I was in university when I began to get intimate with this guy. We would do everything
on campus and never went out. Finally, after 3 months, we went on our first date
after I began hinting heavily. We took a taxi with two friends to the beach and
walked along the promenade. I was grinning from ear to ear. Then we stopped

at a café and went in. the first thing he said to me as we sat down is, “You have
money for the restaurant, I hope?” And if that wasn’t bad enough, he looked at the
menu and began to rattle off a list of the finest and most expensive items. I know
what you are thinking: why didn’t I see it right away? But at that time,

it didn’t seem like it. It just seemed like he had forgotten his wallet on our impromptu
date.

Introduction

Having a boyfriend can be a wonderful thing. You have someone with whom you can
have those stress-busting getaways, to share those

secrets and experiences and even to plan the future with. The flipside, of course,
is that things can sometimes get complicated and you may have a few doubts.

Did he find out that your uncle is the CEO of the recently booming company and ask
you to recommend him for an interview?

Or did you just pay his rent this month because he was out of a job? Is the memory
of how you two got intimate on his birthday that one time and went along with it
though you didn’t want to beginning to nag you? Or perhaps its because you spent
all of last night editing his thesis report because it was his best friend’s last
day in town? There are

several reasons why you think he could be using you. Despite what you think, you
always already know the answer to the question. But affection, pride, insecurity
and even plain stubbornness comes in the way. Let’s give your man a chance and not
jump to conclusions just yet. Read on to know: is he using me or

am I being useful?

Are you volunteering to help?

Think of the five last things you did for him. It could have been as small as doing
the dishes after a home cooked meal or buying a ticket to the Soccer World Cup.
Now think: were these things

voluntary? Unless you are the kind of person who doesn’t do anything unless told,
if you answered no to all five, then yes, your man’s using you for sure. When favours
become demands, you’ve got to take a step back and examine his intensions.

Analyse your thoughts

Is there an image of a weighing scale in your mind? Look at your chores list. Which
ones are you doing for him? When your relationship seems one of give and take instead
of give and receive, then you might be getting used and subcon-sciously be calculating
how

you can even the score.

You are afraid to rock the boat

‘Insecurity is the biggest tool when it comes to him using you. You are afraid to
refuse, to go against his wishes because you are afraid of a break up or fight.
But think about it, what bigger proof is there that he is

using you if he holds a knife over your head?

Step into his Shoes…

Is he going through a rough patch in his life? Maybe right now he needs you and
you’ll need him sometime, too. When you think what he does for you, remember you
are naturally going to be

a bit prejudiced. Think about it from his point of view: Have you requested him
or mentioned something with which he could help you? If you are roaming around with
the pickle jar and thinking he’s using you because he hasn’t helped open it, that’s
taking ‘he’s using me’ theory a bit too far.

On the other hand, if you are slowly realizing that he only does things for you
after you’ve mentioned all the things you’ve done for him, pause and think. Are
you overreacting, or are you the golden goose, who he needs to feed occasionally
to get his hands on the golden eggs?

When he forgets those special days

He needn’t give you a diamond ring on your birthday. Or a truckload of chocolates
on Valentine’s Day. But if all those and other such special occasions like your
anniversary, graduation day, first day at your job, etc. go unnoticed or forgotten,
then start

thinking about someone else to spend your next day of love with. A warning though,
most men often attach less importance than women do to important occasions, so don’t
beat him up if he slips up on a few, especially initially, when your relationship
status is still vague.

When he calls you only when he needs something.

Do your phone conversa-tions begin something like this: he makes small talk about
the weather, then there is a change in his tone and he says, “I need your help”,
“I need a favor from you, can you or is it possi-ble for you to do something for
me”?

after which, the conversation ends with him either happy, thanking you or sullenly
hanging up in a hurry? When you feel like you are speaking to your boss and not
boyfriend, he is just making you work for free.

Down and dirty

You can always tell if he’s

using you for sex. How long does he spend on foreplay? How important is your comfort
level to him? Is he trying to pressurize you into doing something you don’t want?
No means no. If you don’t want to go all the way with him and he tries to talk you
into it, it doesn’t mean he’s using you, it just means he wants to have sex

with you. But if he shows signs of loss of enthusiasm and disinterest when you clearly
say you aren’t ready or you aren’t in the mood tonight, you know you are becoming
his sex toy rather than girlfriend.

Listen to your peeps

Scientifically, there is a love

hormone called dopamine, which creates that new love” sense of desire, excitement,
and stupidity. No, we aren’t telling you he’s using you if your friends and family
don’t approve of your new boyfriend, or even if they say he’s using you. In fact,
friends may disapprove on the basis of jealousy or the fact that you are

spending almost no time with them; whilst parents may just be worried. Only be aware
that you might be looking at him with rose-tinted glasses whereas others see him—and
you, more clearly.

What’s in it for you?

We all need each other, which is why we are in relationships.

But when one person is in it for only himself, then things begin to get unfair.
Imagine you and your guy are in a 50-50 partnership. Now if he is getting what he
wants without you getting what you want, then it’s more a 10-90 relationship, don’t
you think? But if your relationship is symbiotic, and you know

he’ll do what you are doing for him, then you guys are probably fine.

Experiment

Use science. Your hypothesis is Is he using me’. So, after doing him a favor, wait
for a day or two and then casually but pointedly request a favor from him,

may be three times across a period of two months. If he found an excuse all three
times, you have your answer.

“But it makes me happy to do things for him!”

Don’t blame it all on the guy. Most women actually enjoy doing things for their
man. This is where he might begin

to use you. I loved doing things for my boyfriend and in turn he gave me more and
more work to do, until I began to neglect my own. The fault might lie with you too.
If you are enjoying doing things for him, and thinking love-tinted thoughts like
‘what makes him happy, makes me happy’; think about why it is making you

happy? Is it because it is the only time when he smiles at you? Or is it because
you feel more stable in your relationship? The ground will soon crack under your
feet if yes.

Examine your history

They say experience is the best teacher. Think about the

past relationships where you knew the guy was using you or a friend of yours. Do
you see similarities between the things he did and asked for and your current guy?